


Deadnames and why they hurt

by Rose_fluff



Category: Original Work
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, LGBTQ Themes, Nonbinary Character, deadname
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:49:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28874118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_fluff/pseuds/Rose_fluff
Summary: Basically an analogy to explain why not to deadname someone





	Deadnames and why they hurt

**Author's Note:**

> To any friends, classmates or people who know me irl reading this, my name is Rose, I use they/them pronouns, don't fucking misgender me okii

How does it feel to be deadnamed, see that's a difficult question I'm not quite sure how to answer. So I made an analogy. Sure it's not a great analogy, I'm not really good at that sort of stuff, but as a closeted nonbinary person, this is the best way I can describe it. 

See your name and pronouns are like a coin, your own personal coin. And this coin has an image printed on one side, the other side's blank. So when people come up to you and ask you who you are, you show them one side of the coin with the image on it. And that image on it, given to you at birth by your caregivers, is how this new person is going to refer to you from now on. Now this image may have a meaning behind it, usually it will tell someone your gender, although most meanings end there. 

And for most people that picture isn't a problem. But then there are people who don't identify with thier gender, don't identify with thier body and don't identify with that image on their coin. An image that wasn't chosen by them. And the image on this coin, the image everyone knows them as, just becomes another constant reminder that that's not them. This image becomes everything they hate about themselves, everything they hate about thier body. A constant reminder of who everyone else perceives them as. 

But this coin is double sided. And they can put something right, something that represents them on the other side. The image they chose to represent themselves actually does so. They can leave behind the image that represents the wrong gender, and all the struggles that come with being in the wrong version of thier body, and take on a new image. One that they chose themselves. And it feels so good to be finally refered to as something that fits them. 

So they tell people slowly. Start introducing themselves using the right side of the coin to strangers, have it as thier image online. And the new people, the people they meet online accept it easily, no questions asked. And it feels amazing, it feels right. And if strangers respect you, your friends should be able to too right. So you tell them and it's fine. They refer to you as the right image. And everything's good, they respect you.

Then one day one slips up and refer to you by the wrong image. The one you don't use. The one that's dead. And as you stare at that text or hear the words over and over again in your brain, all the horible memories, the gender dysphoria, all the negative associations you have with that side of the coin come flooding back. And it feels so horrible. Because no matter if they correct it or not, the person you trusted to never call you that just did. And you start to sob. But the only thing you can do about it is correct them and move on because they don't understand how much they just hurt you.

Now take that horrible feeling, all the bad memories, the dysphoria, everything bad you associate with that side of the coin and think about the fact that almost everyone only knows you by that. They only know the wrong side of the coin. And no matter how quickly you go about showing them the right side of the coin, there are going to be hundereds of times people use the wrong side of the coin. 

But you can overcome that right? Once you tell everyone everything will be fine. Right? I wish I could say yes but the answer is no. Because there are going to be people who will look you in the eyes, laugh, then rip the coin out of your hands, flip it over and say fuck you, you're wrong and this thing you hate, this thing that brings you so much pain when you hear it, this is you. And I am going to refer to you as this no matter how much it hurts you. And now that they know about this, they're going to go out if thier way to use the wrong side of the coin. Use that image, your deadname, every single time they see you. 

That's how it feels to be deadnamed, to have someone use she / her pronouns when I'm they / them. I am Rose, the wrong side of the coin is dead. And if you're wondering, why have a double sided coin as my analogy? Why not just get a new coin? Because unless you're able to legally change you name, your deadname will always be there. And even if you do change it, there are going to be people who know your deadname and will use it no matter what you say. 

And that's that. Thank you for listening to my analogy, I hope you learnt something.


End file.
